What I worry about when I post these things, is that 1)they can be misconstrued and 2)people often connect someone talking about their own life as something self-indulgent and therefore juvenile. Therefore we tend to wrap it up in obliqueness, hypothesize it or add in a sneaky reversal so that it’s an advice column. It’s about you, not me.
I’m going to be self indulgent and maybe that’s being juvenile. Maybe being introspective is (weirdly) juvenile.
Maybe juvenile is not the worst thing you can be.
Many people have been asking me over the past 4 years (precisely that) what I’m doing with my life. Sure, I’ve worked in numerous places and studied and performed (solo and in groups) and have good memories of those. But people always ask me – and what?
Is it the need to tend my own garden? Or is it the scary shed near the back that I don’t want to enter?
Is there a part of me missing that I need to have filled? If we’re talking about relationships, then that abyss isn’t new. I stare into it most days. Then what, then? Is it the reassurance that I can be loved, is that it? The thing is with text is that some people might read this in an angry tone. On the contrary. It’s neutral bordering on confusion. I honestly don’t know.
I’ve had good experiences, bad experiences and downright nightmare experiences that I don’t want to encounter again (one of my plays touches on this in quite a personal way – I’m not telling you which one!). It feels like a huge investment and maybe something I can’t bring myself to make. There are some other issues too. Some old and some new.
Well, if it’s not that, then maybe it’s a far away future plan that I lack? I hate planning far into the future. It’s this whole investment idea again. The things I do invest in are the things I am utterly passionate about. I’ve made the mistake of doing so with things that I wasn’t wholeheartedly sure about and they soon collapsed.
It becomes more apparent as I grow older and the leeway to drift seems smaller. I am young though (ish). Things like this are always relevant when it’s around my birthday. Nothing new. I just worry sometimes that even though I do get on with my lot, I wish I were a little more forthright with expressing myself. When you keep your head down, you have to come up for air at times.
I am content for the most part, so no worries on that score.
Take it for what you will, if you do choose to read this!